Iris
by candyk8
Summary: New Moon. Short, drabble-y chapters. When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am...
1. cause sooner or later it's over

_And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
'Cause sooner or later it's over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight  
_

"You're no good for me."

If there was ever a moment where I wished dearly I could read her thoughts, it was now. She looks confused, as expected; I'd given her no warning, so hint of what I was now doing, what I _had_ to do. My face remains stony, sure, but my heart begs her. _Bella_, it cries, _Bella, if there was ever a time you needed to see through a lie_…

If she had just said the word. If she had just given a, "Oh, stop it Edward," a, "You can't be serious, Edward," then I'm sure I would have cracked. How much resolution can you have when leaving your true love? Even if this was best for her. Even if I'm sure she would be safer away from me. Even if she would be free to live her life, her human life. Even if without me, she could keep her soul, her salvation.

But my Bella accepts it, accepts the fact—the lie—that I was ready to walk out of her life forever. Could she really think that I could leave her so easily? My heart shatters more and more every moment of this dreaded conversation. It was necessary. Bella was not safe with me. _It's time to grow up, Cullen, _says the rational part of me. I'm done being selfish. And I couldn't stand to see her hurt because of who I am. Because I am a monster.

My body craves her touch, her kiss, to hold her against myself, as much as it craves her sweet blood. I want desperately to take her in my arms, to tell her I will never leave her. But I must leave, I must. _Can't you see, Bella? _The words I wish to say. _I love you, you must never be hurt. I love you._

_Even if I'm sure I'll never be happy again, even if I'll miss you every day of eternity, every day I walk this earth, I must do this, Bella. This is what's good for you. Even if you'd rather run with vampires…Bella, my Bella, you're better off without me. You can find a life without me._

_The difference between you and I, Bella, is that you have a life to lead. _

_I just have an eternity to fill._

So much is left unsaid as I am about to leave her. _Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow._ Romeo and Juliet had it easy; to die together and to have an eternity with each other in heaven. Someday my Bella will die, as well, and surely enter heaven. When that day comes I, too, will end my existence, and will surely enter hell.

Here is my last moment with Bella, my sweet Bella, my love. For one last time, I inhale her sweet sent, for one last time her blood calls for me, and for one last time I resist. _Bella, I want to be with you._

_But the truth is, I'm no good for you_.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am _

_--_

_A/N: hope you like this. a little emo story for you :) i'm going a bit out of order with the song to fit the order of the story. reviews make me happy! next chapter will be up in three or four days (it's already written, but I don't want the whole story to come out at once). thanks for reading! _

_peace, _

_candyk8  
_

_p.s. i listened to iris over forty times in a row while writing this story ;)_


	2. yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

_warning: this isn't rated T for nothing. let's just say, extreme emo-ness. don't like, don't read, and certainly don't flame_

_--_

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
When everything feels like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive_

God, I was tired of seeing shrinks.

In a small town like Forks, it's a surprise that there are any therapists at all. I've seen him already. When that didn't work, we moved to Port Angeles, where they have two. When _that_ didn't work, my father drove the cruiser out to Seattle. There are a lot more therapists in Seattle. "But with the price of gas and the price of therapy," Charlie told me, shaking his head, "We can't do this much longer." This was the fourth (and _final_, Charlie warned) shrink I've seen. She is a bony woman, pale, with short, bristling hair.

The resemblance stops there, but it is enough to hurt.

Charlie waits outside, as usual. It's only fair. Therapy is one-on-one. Or, as Therapist Four said, "Girls only, Chief."

I sit on the couch—the first shrink I saw was the only one who actually required you to lay on that day-bed thing and stare at the ceiling thoughtfully—stiffly, prepared to lie. When I was whole, I was a terrible liar. Here's a secret: when you're completely devoid of emotion, no one can tell either way what's the truth and what's a lie.

Therapist four leans in conversationally. So far, she is doing a good job—a better job than the others—of keeping it real. Trying to make it seem like she wasn't cross-examining me. _Wait 'til she opens her mouth, Bella. _

"How are you feeling, Bella?"

For a moment, I am caught off guard. How am I feeling? Well, Ms. Therapist, every time I wake up in the morning I feel as if someone ripped out my insides. Does that clear things up for you?

"I'm fine."

Number Four purses her lips. "Bella, I hear you've been having some…issues."

"I'm fine."

Her tone changes to one like that of a reprimanding mother. "Bella, your father tells me you haven't quite been the same since a boy named…" She glances at a clipboard placed in her lap. "…Edward left town."

After four therapists, I am prepared. Still, my arm goes around my stomach, trying desperately to close this hole of pain that is tearing me apart. Number Four sees this, and notes it on her clipboard.

"You…really liked Edward, then," she says, looking at me for confirmation.

Even though she said _his_ name again, I have to chuckle a bit. Oh, I rather liked him, Ms. Therapist. He was nice enough.

"Why is that funny, Bella?"

"Yes, I liked him," I tell her.

"Edward?"

"What other him is there?" Congratulations, Number Four. This is the most I've spoken to anyone besides Charlie in a while.

"Bella, your father is worried about you. He says you aren't acting like yourself."

"My normal self left a long time ago when he left me in the woods." Did I say that?

Number Four nods eagerly, excited at her progress. "He was very special to you, then?"

Somehow, I maintain a monotone. "I love him."

The pain of admitting this again rips me apart. Both of my arms are around my stomach, and I may be rocking back and forth. Through this pain, I can't tell.

Her eyes widen slightly at my violent reaction. "Bella, Bella honey, are you alright?"

"I'm _fine_. I'm _fine_. I'm sick and _tired _of hearing that question."

"Bella, I'm just trying to help you."

"I don't need your help." When I was whole, I might have been kinder. With this pain in me, it's a wonder I speak at all.

"Bella," she says, coming to sit by me. "You need help. You're underweight, Bella. You don't socialize with anyone. You never go out and you never speak. Your father is afraid…your father is afraid you might try to…harm yourself."

I shrink away from her now, and look away. Her soft voice that sounds almost…sincere, like maybe she actually cares, pierces me once more. "Bella, roll up your sleeves, please."

I close my eyes and shake my head.

"Bella," she says sternly. "This is not a choice."

Slowly, I roll up my sleeves, still staring determinedly away, not wanting to see her reaction to my pain.

Her hand gently brushes my scars. Does my self destruction scare her? Is she surprised? Or is this just another teen angst to her? Maybe she has emotional girls crying over breakups in all the time.

Edward Cullen leaving me is not just another breakup. If she knew him, she would understand.

No one understands.

Her intake of breath suggests she is about to speak, but before she can and apologetic secretary pokes her head in the door. Quickly, I roll up my sleeves. "Doctor Kaylin, your next patient is here."

Doctor Kaylin. Someone up there hates me.

I move to leave, but Doctor Kaylin places a hand on my shoulder. "Bella," she says.

I turn to her.

"I'll…see you next week, Bella."

I nod in a noncommittal way. As I walk out the door, I whisper, "I hope not." I don't really care if she hears or not.

When I was whole, I would have cried. These days, I have no more tears left to waste.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

_--_

_A/NL: chapter two. i know, i was sad to see Bella that way too! hope you like this one despite that. chapter three in a couple days. i hope more people get to read this one! i know that twilight fanfics come and go so quickly that only a few people will see this on the first page. if anyone has any ideas to help promote it i would love to hear!_

_thanks for reading :)_

_candyk8_


	3. i'd give up forever to touch you

_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now_

Sometimes, the urge to return to her is stronger than others.

I told Alice I would stay with the family again. It has been months since I've seen them, and nothing has taken my mind off of Bella. Not that I could expect that; every moment of my time is taken wondering where she is. Wondering if I should check on her. Wondering if she's moved on, because if there is a God, he knows I never will.

Still, when I said I would stay with the family, I didn't know how hard it would be. Attending high school, with the exception of my time with Bella in Forks, had always been a pain. Now with this extra weight I carry, with this extra burden I bear, the dull schedule and the sameness of the lessons is only more of a hindrance. Even if I have nothing better to do, school does not fill the void that leaving Bella has given me.

I have almost every class with Alice, who is both overjoyed and unhappy. She is excited that I am attending school with her again, but she sees my pain and it saddens her. _Would you lighten up, Ed? _She thinks at me. _You're scaring the little human children. _

Let them be scared. Does it matter? They are of no consequence to me. What does it matter if another rumor is spread? I've heard them all before: the Cullens are part of a cult, the Cullens are on drugs, the Cullens are aliens.

This normalcy is tedious, and is slowly killing me, despite my invincibility.

At lunch I do not take part in the discussion of my siblings. They try numerous times to involve me, but I can add nothing to their conversation.

Afterwards Alice and I walk to Biology in silence until Alice speaks. "Edward," she says hesitantly. "Are you alright?"

I glare down at her. "Hasn't Jasper told you how I'm feeling?"

"Edward…"

"_No_, Alice, I am _not _alright."

"Maybe school was a bad idea, Edward. Maybe you're not ready."

I sigh in exasperation. "Well, look into my future, Alice. Tell me when I'll be ready."

Alice bites her lip. "Please, Edward, I'm just trying to help. We're all worried about you."

I shake my head. "What do you want me to say, Alice? What can I say that will get you to leave me alone?"

Alice blinks now, stung. "Well, if it's going to be that way, Edward Cullen, then I _will_ leave you alone."

She begins to stomp off, but I grab her arm. "I'm sorry, Alice," I say guiltily, "I just…I don't know what you want from me."

She places a hand on my arm. "We want you to be happy again."

I close my eyes. "That's too much to ask of me."

Alice sighs. "I knew you were going to say that." Despite myself, I chuckle. "I also know," she continues, "that you're going to take a sick day. You're off to the nurse right now."

I smile half-heartedly at her. "I'll see you at home, Alice."

"See you."

I walk through the hall in the opposite direction as Alice continues to class. _We all miss her_, she's thinking. _What amount of time will heal his wounds?_

No amount of time can heal my pain. How can I continue on when the only thing I want is the only thing I should never have?

If my existence before Bella was hollow, now it is simply starved. I miss her, and the emptiness I feel without her is unbearable, intolerable. But somehow, for her sake, I must keep moving. I mustn't go back, even though it is the only thing that could make me feel better again. I crave her; she is an addiction and I can't obtain my drug.

_So you're saying I'm your brand of heroin?_

My memories of Bella are so clear I feel like I could reach out and touch her. I need them; they are the only thing I have left of her. But at the same time, each memory is like a stab to my still, cold heart.

I should be happy for the time I had with her. In my doomed existence, I should treasure what happiness I am given. Instead, I am still selfish, always selfish, in wanting her. She was an angel, and I, the devil, was hardly worthy to shake her hand. Yet I spent time with her, spoke with her, touched her, kissed her.

I kissed an angel, and still I am ungrateful.

At home I write a note:

_Alice_—

_You were absolutely correct when you said I am not ready for school. I need more time—a few years, perhaps._

_I'll be in touch. _

_--E._

_P.S. Don't worry, I'll just be pitifully wallowing in my memories of a better past._

Sometimes, the urge to return to her almost overcomes my better judgment.

_And I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken_  
_I just want you to know who I am_

**_--_**

_A/N: Okay, not as terrible as the last chapter :) but WHO WANTS TO SEE EDWARD SAD, ANYWAY?! not i. unfortunately, i sometimes have to give in to the muse. thanks for the reviews guys! i would like more though...no, i'm not pouting...much..._

_**-IrisOfTheRainbow: **the song featured in the story is called "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. hope you enjoyed it :)_

_-**Bellas-lullaby: **in Stephenie Meyer's story, no, she doesn't. in my story i took creative liscense and made it more dramatic. i'm sorry if that bothered you. hope you enjoyed otherwise!_

_-**Twirls: **thanks! hope you like this next one :)_

_i hope to get more reviews then three this time...but hey, enjoy the story anyway..._

_peace,_

_candyk8_


	4. when everything's meant to be broken

_I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

Sitting across from him is surreal.

Charlie, after much convincing, left the house to visit Billy in La Push. "Tell Jacob I said hi," I tell him. He glances at me, then at Edward, then stalks reluctantly out the door. Since Edward has returned, I have been under constant watch. Gone are the days of camaraderie between boyfriend and father. To Charlie, Edward is the enemy. Charlie can't forgive for what Edward leaving did to me. When I think on it, it hurts to remember how much pain I must have put him in.

Edward sits in patient silence as I eat lunch. Something feels off between us today. Edward has been home, _with me_, for a week.

His phone rings as I finish my sandwich. His conversation is short: "Okay. Goodbye." His voice is like a melody; my memories, and even the insane delusions inside my head, could never do it justice.

"Bella?" Edward says gently. "That was Carlisle. He wants my help bringing our things inside the house."

"So…"

"I'm going to leave, alright?"

At this my head jerks up. "You're leaving?" To my dismay, my eyes fill with tears.

In one fluid motion he closes the space between us and is holding me, rocking me back and forth, murmuring in my ear. "Bella, Bella, I love you. I will never leave you like that again, my love."

When Edward is gone, I felt dried up. Now I feel overflowing, and I can't stop the tears.

He is like a god, consoling me, understanding me, being with me. Sometimes I feel as if fate is playing a cruel trick on me, and that all of this is a dream. Surely I don't deserve a second chance with someone so unearthly. Reality has never been this kind before.

"I'm sorry, Edward," I whisper. He reaches out tenderly and brushes away my tears. "I haven't had much sleep this week."

The expression on his beautiful face twists to one of confusion. I feel like a villain, like a monster, for making someone so perfect be dismayed. "Bella," his musical voice graces my ears, "I've been with you every night this week. You've had sleep."

It takes me a moment before I trust my voice enough to say, "I guess I've brushed up on my acting skills since you've left."

"What's wrong, Bella? Why haven't you been sleeping?" He looks frustrated, and concerned. I hate how he makes me so guilty. I hate how I am so addicted to his presence. I hate that when he leaves, I fall apart. I can only shake my head and shrug.

"Bella…" He cups his hands around my face, searching, trying to figure out what I am thinking. "Bella, love, are you frightened?"

I nod. He pulls me tighter. "Bella, I will never let the Volturi get you."

I struggle out of his grasp. "It's not the Volturi I'm afraid of." I mutter quietly.

"Bella?" He is so confused, and I hate to see him that way. "Bella…what's scaring you?"

"You are," I say. "I _can't_ fall asleep because what if I wake up and you aren't there anymore? What if I wake up and it turns out that after all you don't…want…to be with me…"

Edward falls onto one of the kitchen chairs, head in his hands. For several long moments, he is silent. He radiates pain, and I want to reach out to him. My heart screams in sympathy, in _empathy_, because I know he must be feeling exactly what I was feeling all those long empty months when we were apart. But somehow I can't move myself; I feel rooted to the ground.

"Bella, Bella," He moans. I close my eyes. I can't stand to see his pain. "I will never leave you Bella. Never, ever again. When I left you I thought I would be the only one losing out. Can you understand? I thought that you would move on. I truly believed that in the end, you would benefit. I didn't know how much pain I was making you suffer through."

"Edward," I say hoarsely, "How could I ever move on? You're my angel."

Edward chuckles, and once again returns to me, holding me. "Bella, love, I think you're very confused."

"What?"

"You call a demon an angel, and beg him to steal your soul." He brushes a strand of hair out of my face.

"Edward…"

He kisses me gently, making my heart flutter and my pulse race. "Let's not talk about that."

He deepens the kiss, something he rarely does, and I lose myself in him. Too soon he breaks away; too soon he can no longer stand it. I rest my head on his chest.

"Bella," he breathes, "if I go to help Carlisle—and promise to return—will you believe me? Will you trust that I'll return to you, trust that I want nothing more in this world then to be with you?"

I look up at him. "Yes, Edward. I trust you."

He looks at me for a moment. "I could stay…"

I shake my head. "No, Edward. Go help your family."

He kisses me again, swiftly, before walking out the door. "I'll be back soon, my love. I promise."

As he leaves, I sigh. Everything is perfect now; I am whole, and I am, for the most part, happy.

Still, as he leaves, I can't help but worry. And maybe…

Maybe that worry will never leave…

_I just want you to know who I am  
I just want you to know who I am  
I just want you to know who I am  
I just want you to know who I am_

--

_a/n: so, that's the final chapter. so, so sorry about the delay! i've been super busy with the end of school. so about the chapter--i didn't really feel the closure, but my best friend read it over for me and gave me some advice: "see what your readers think." so, what do you think? because it is a nice ending, i suppose. _

_can't wait to hear what you think. _

_peace, _

_candyk8_


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